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Humor Quotes ... Page 1

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"Dwayne told me. Chuck told me. Even Rachel told me. I heard about it from everybody. You gotta stop talking about it. It's like 'the Sopranos.' It's *over*. Find a new show." - Forgetting Sarah Marshall

"Surgery's hot. It's the marines. It's macho. It's hostile. It's hardcore. Geriatrics is for freaks who live with their mothers and never have sex." - Grey's Anatomy

"I have a black belt...in shopping!"

"that's a bad guy, that's a really bad guy! Did you see his face? His head looks like one of the Easter Island heads!" - Get Smart

"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight -- if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'" -Elayne Boosler

"I don't do drugs, because my idea of fun is not sitting in a corner analyzing string."

"Miranda: I showed him a boob in a coat check room. Carrie: Just one? Miranda: I sensed he couldn't commit." - Sex and the City

"Slightly involved, there is no such thing. That's like being a little bit pregnant." - 90210

"It's kinda like, when you're at McDonald's and you can't decide if you want the Big Mac or the McNuggets. So you agonize over this pressing decision, but when they tell you they're out of Big Macs, by the time you're chomping down the McNuggets, you're not even thinking about it anymore. You're just enjoying those McNuggets." - Pacey's Rants

"Modelizers are a particular breed. They're a step beyond womanizers, who will sleep with just about anything in a skirt. Modelizers are obsessed, not with women, but with models, who in most cities are safely confined to billboards and magazines. But in Manhattan, actually run wild on the streets turning the city into a virtual Model Country Safari where men can pet the creatures in their natural habitat. As if we didn't have enough problems!" - Sex and the City

"In a world of pollution, profanity, adolescence, zits, broccoli, racism, ozone depletion, sexism, stupid guys and PMS, why the hell do people still tell me to have a nice day?"

"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny." - jack handy

"This is my 'depressed stance'; when you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this." -Charlie Brown

"You think that they're the shit, but you lost, but they're just full of it." - The Eyeliners, "you lose"

"Look who peeked in his shorts and found a pair." - Scrubs

"Reality: an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol."

"Cinderella is proof that a pair of shoes can change your life."

"we got rings of dirt around our necks. we talk like auctioneers and we bounce like checks. we smell like shit, still, when we walk down the street . . . all the boys line up to throw themselves at our feet." - Ani DiFranco, 'if he tries anything'

"Will Hayes: I had two serious girlfriends... and then some other smattering of other women. Maya Hayes: What's the boy word for 'slut'? Will Hayes: They still haven't come up with one yet." - Definitely, Maybe

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

"If you keep talking like that, I'm gonna have to charge you by the minute." - Sex and the City

"If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll be glad to do it for you."

"A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts."

"Shelly Barnes: Just don't ask me to marry you again. Dr. Jack Gramm: Why not? We're perfect for each other. Shelly Barnes: Yeah, yeah... except I'm gay and you're a commitment-phobe. Dr. Jack Gramm: That's why we're perfect." - 88 Minutes

"Something wrong? Why would anything be wrong? We just had sex in a church - and we're not even married - and now we're gonna dig up a grave! I mean, what is that, like a triple sin? I'm surprised we haven't been struck by lightning." - Fool's Gold

"Boys don't kiss and tell, they kiss and exaggerate."

"All things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening."

"OK, new rule. Whenever one of you comes over to the other's house, the excuse has to be at least plausible. You may as well have said, 'I'm here to fool around.'" - Party of Five

"It's like trying to fit a cream puff through a key hole." -Sex and the City

"Charlotte: Carrie you have to know where he's been so you know what you're getting. Samantha: As long as what you get doesn't itch, I say you're fine." - Sex and the City

"If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments."

"I wanted a man who'd commit, not a man who was committed. Apparently we have to be more specific." - Sex and the City

"someday we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject."

"A man always has two reasons for what he does: a good one and the real one."

"I'm still waiting for the world to come crashing down ahead. And I'm still waiting for someone to call me up and tell me, 'You're dead.'" - The Ataris, "how i spent my summer vacation"

"There is no normal person. There are just a lot of weird people with many things in common."

"You never forget anything. Your mind is like a titanium trap." - Smallville

"love's just a waste of our energy, and this life's just a waste of our time. so why don't we get together? we could waste everything tonight."

"it's me again. Where are you? I feel like your stalker ex-girlfriend, even though I was never your girlfriend. It was just an analogy--a bad one. I'm sorry, this is awkward, okay, call me!" - Smallville

"Most of you are watching this show so you can learn how to get chicks. Well let me assure you, you're in good hands. You're looking at a man who personally has had sex with over 137 different women, most of them conscious. Now we're here at the balloon festival and I'm supposed to be telling you about how men are full of hot air, but I think we all know it's the ladies that are full of crap! Just because she says 'no' doesn't mean she means 'no.' If that were the case, I'd have only 90 women." - The Ugly Truth

" I was in the German Club. There were only three of us, and then two of us left to join the French Club after seeing 'Schindler's List.' "- Gilmore Girls

"Are the lids tight on the paint thinner because you're sounding a little loopy to me." - Gilmore Girls

"In a world of pollution, profanity, adolescence, zits, broccoli, racism, ozone depletion, sexism, stupid guys and PMS, why the hell do people still tell me to have a nice day?"

"Youa: You're funny. Walt Kowalski: I've been called a lot of things, but never funny." - Gran Torino

"You are a few Brady's short of a bunch."

"Listen, I know I've been somewhat impressed with myself in the past, but this time I am, like, freaking out about it." - Alias

"Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself!"

"You may not remember the tests you've failed, but I'll bet you remember the person you were with the night you decided not to study."

"Love is like a tug of war, one jerk after another."

"Friends won't let friend's drive home drunk with an ugly guy."

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