Other Reads: art of peeing; dear mom; things you'd love to say work; born in the 80spermission slip to date my daughter
humor quotes >> 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
"Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough, it's like depth." - Daria
"we got rings of dirt around our necks. we talk like auctioneers and we bounce like checks. we smell like shit, still, when we walk down the street . . . all the boys line up to throw themselves at our feet." - ani difranco, 'if he tries anything'
"I know that you did not mean to spit out those profanities. I know you're a loser. I know you've had bad skin all your life. I also know you will never find a wife." - jann arden, 'I know you'
"I don't think you're ugly, I just think the world has made you weird." - jann arden, 'I know you'
"Shopping at Christmas time means waiting in lines ten times longer than normal." - Pacey's Rants
"First of all, there's the weather. In November, you get excited as you wait for the first snowfall… In December, you get holidays, presents, and time off from school. By January you start itching for winter to be over, and then you hit February and you end up late to class because your sister's car is snowed in. Just when you've had it to here with the crap, mother nature sticks you with another pointless month, and you can't even enjoy President's Week because you're stuck doing school assignments anyway, and even if you weren't, it's too cold to leave your house. Then there's the 28 days thing. Sometimes it's 28, sometimes it's 29 - and either way it's 1-3 days shorter than a normal month. So how come it feels about eighteen times as long? I'll tell you why. Cause it's freaking cold, man!" - Pacey's Rants
"when the most exciting thing on TV is Eminem and Elton John… you know you've got a problem." - Pacey's Rants
"It's kinda like, when you're at McDonald's and you can't decide if you want the Big Mac or the McNuggets. So you agonize over this pressing decision, but when they tell you they're out of Big Macs, by the time you're chomping down the McNuggets, you're not even thinking about it anymore. You're just enjoying those McNuggets." - Pacey's Rants
"Girls suck. It's like they get lobotomized the second they hit puberty. One day you're all milling around in the Rainbow Brite section at FAO Schwartz. The next day someone has breasts... After that, it's all about getting boys to like you and whoever dies the thinnest wins." - dawson's creek
"Teenage sluts aren't born, they're made." - dawson's creek
"You used to be bitter and cynical, too. You were far more interesting." - dawson's creek
"I'm gonna kill you. One night in your sleep, a slit throat maybe, or a screwdriver to your temple. Be ready." - dawson's creek
"There is nothing more annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting." -Mark Twain
"We're going to have so much fun, we're going to need plastic surgery to wipe the smiles off our faces." - Chevy Chase
"Don't have sex, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them." - Steve Martin
"did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? 'whew, I thought I would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a Danish!'" -seinfeldism
"I thought I had mono once for an entire year, turned out I was just really bored." -Wayne's world
"Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, Aw, who cares? Then I think, Hey, what's for supper?" -jack handy
"be optimistic. all the people you hate now are eventually going to die." - tom green
"when you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. it might be a trick, but if it's not, mmm boy." -jack handey
"don't ya know there ain't no devil? that's just God when he's drunk." - tom waits
"now, come one.. you think your life is bad? girl, you're crazy. you should feel bad for an egg. it only gets laid once."
"when god made men, she was only kidding."
"here is my friend jack daniels, but before I introduce you.. he's a hard friend to get rid of." - dave matthews
"a random hookup is like a half eaten sandwich in the fridge- you don't know who ate it last, but you know that it's 2 am and you're hungry!!"
"if you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine." - deep thoughts, jack handey
"'I've used up all of my sick days -- so I'm calling in dead.'" - girls' poker night by jill a davis
"what do you call Monday night football? they fill stadiums with men cheering for men. men loving men. men paying men lots of money to play with a little ball. it's a glorified love fest. with major sponsors and beer bongs." - girls' poker night by jill a davis
"women can iron, watch TV, chat on the phone and answer the doorbell all at the same time, but men? Men can only do one thing at a time. Ever try chatting to man when he's trying to park the car? Exactly. He'll ignore you because he can only concentrate on one thing at a time." - Mr. Maybe by Jane Green
"what man ever wanted heating turned up after all? 'Christ, it's like an oven in here,' was the usual term." - a promising man, and about time, too by elizabeth young
"New York City is all about sex. People getting it, people trying to get it, people who can't get it. No wonder the city never sleeps. It's too busy trying to get laid." - sex and the city
"Carrie: A fuck buddy is a guy you probably dated once or twice and it didn't really go anywhere, but the sex is so great you sort of... keep him on call. Samantha: Ooo, he's like dial-a-dick!" - sex and the city
"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving." - jack handy
"On my Job Application it said: In case of emergency notify...I wrote down - DOCTOR ! (what the hell is my mother going to do)?"
"High School is the best years of your life. Love it. Live it. Enjoy it. And in your extra time, do your homework." - save by the bell
"Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken."
"Some guys say 'Suck It!' I say no thanks I tend to choke on small objects."
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we broke up I think it's time you kept your promise."
"The statistics on sanity are that one of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're ok, then it's you."
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question."
"Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says 'You.' After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done." - jack handy
"Guys are like slinkies: Not good for much, but you have to laugh when they fall down the stairs."
""Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? 'Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!'" - jack handy
"guys should wear a condom on their head because I they're gonna act like a dick, they should dress like one too."
"someday we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject."
"Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?"
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, 'probably because of something you did.'" - jack handy
"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny." - jack handy
"If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not." - jack handy