Humor Quotes ... Page 11
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"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." -George Carlin
"Don't cry because it's over, laugh at how stupid he is for letting you go!"
"I'm not a ditz, I just lack common sense."
"I'd stop drinking but - I'm no quitter."
"Walt Kowalski: [to Father Janovich] I think you're an overeducated 27-year-old virgin who likes to hold the hands of superstitious old ladies and promise them everlasting life." - Gran Torino
"I wish I had saved all the tears you made me cry so I could drown you with them."
"You know what? I can get a couple guys to go to his place, knock on the door and when he opens it wham! We junk-punch him in his man buisness and he'll fall to the floor crying "why?!" and then we'll say 'you know why!' Huh?" - What Happens in Vegas
"You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more water out of the pool."
"Life was so much easier when boys had cooties."
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."
"The human brain is remarkable. Once a day for nine years, I thought I lost my watch 'cause I can't remember which wrist it's on. " - Scrubs
"Why is it when we talk to God we are said to be praying, and when God talks to us we are said to be schizophrenic?" - Lily Tomlin
"He has one ball, and I have a lazy ovary! In what twisted world does that create a baby? It's like the Special Olympics of conception." - Sex and the City
"'I've used up all of my sick days -- so I'm calling in dead.'" - Girls' Poker Night by Jill A. Davis
"Learn from your parents mistakes -- use birth control."
"My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely."
"I don't believe in the afterlife, but I'm bringing a pair of underwear just in case."
" I really like him, Rory. I can't help it. And it's been a really long time since I've felt like this. You can't always control who you're attracted to, you know. I think the whole Angelina Jolie/Billy Bob Thronton thing really proves that." - Gilmore Girls
"Why is it that guys always want to be 'friends,' yet they fail to realize that 'friends' talk?" - Courtney
"There are a lot of ways to grieve... but, last time I checked, wheelbarrow-style wasn't one of them." - Scrubs
"Carrie: When did this happen? When did the sexes get all confused? Miranda: Somewhere between Gen X and Gen Y, they made XY." - Sex and the City
"Why is it that you can shoot ducks in duck season, but you can't shoot tourists in tourist season?"
"Men should be like kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable."
"Surfing Instructor: If you get bitten by a shark, you're not just gonna give up surfing, are you? Peter Bretter: Yeah, probably." - Forgetting Sarah Marshall
"If I could kill someone with my mind right now, it would be you." - What Happens in Vegas
"I thought I found my knight in shining armor, but it turns out he was just a loser in tin foil."
"Miranda: I am shitty. You would never do anything that shitty. Steve: What do you call showing up at your apartment in the middle of the afternoon and calling you shitty? Miranda: Yeah, that was pretty shitty!" - Sex and the City
"See, here's the difference between you and me, man. Whenever I get the urge to get married, I grab my balls and squeeze 'em until I can't feel my legs, and then it just passes." - Serious Moonlight
"Love your enemies. They'll go crazy trying to figure out what you are up to."
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away from him and you have his shoes."
"did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? 'whew, I thought I would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a Danish!'" -seinfeldism
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't wanna paint it!"
"guys should wear a condom on their head because I they're gonna act like a dick, they should dress like one too."
"People never grow up, they just learn how to act in public." - Bryan White
"don't ya know there ain't no devil? that's just God when he's drunk." - tom waits
"If I had the choice I wouldn't ride the horse, I'd ride the cowboy."
"Normal is in the eye of the beholder." - Whoopi Goldberg
"a random hookup is like a half eaten sandwich in the fridge- you don't know who ate it last, but you know that it's 2 am and you're hungry!!"
"Miranda: Men are such liars. Samantha: And ninety-seven percent of them can't fuck you worth a damn." - Sex and the City
"Go ahead and talk about me, but bitch I got advice. Click your heels together and say 'I need a fucking life.'"
"She said when hell freezes over, she's gonna be mine, but she didn't say never, so that's a good sign." - Rich McCready
"I'm smiling because you're crazy and that's what you do to crazy people to keep them calm." - Gilmore Girls
"Opportunity does not knock, then knock again, then leave a note saying 'sorry I missed you.'" - That 70's Show
"Snyder: There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense.
"Harry Pfarrer: Go around the corner, we'll do it in the back. Katie Cox: You're so coarse. Harry Pfarrer: Back of the car... not the rear entry situation. . . " - Burn After Reading
"I pity him because I get to walk away and be me, and he has to stay him ya know? And who wants to be him when you could be me?" - Sex and the City
"As I said before, I never repeat myself."
"You can't just let it grow wild anymore. There's an entire business these days devoted to the upkeep and management of pubic hair. It says as much about you as your shoes." - Sex and the City
"You used to be bitter and cynical, too. You were far more interesting." - Dawson's Creek
"I'm glad you three weren't around during the original thirteen colonies. I don't think our founding fathers were very fuckable." - Sex and the City
