Humor Quotes ... Page 6
Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12
"You know, Freud said that ninety percent of all human behavior is motivated by sexual impulses? But, come on. You know, give me some credit. I'd say at least thirty percent of my behavior is motivated by advertising, and the rest by violence in film! " - Scrubs
"Kisses spread germs and germs are hated so kiss me baby! I'm vaccinated!"
"Christ... where did you come from and how can I make more of you?" - the last kiss
"I'm not in denial, I'm just selective about the reality I choose to accept."
"When I walk by all you hear is applause, cause baby, I got nothing but fans."
"Girls suck. It's like they get lobotomized the second they hit puberty. One day you're all milling around in the Rainbow Brite section at FAO Schwartz. The next day someone has breasts... After that, it's all about getting boys to like you and whoever dies the thinnest wins." - Dawson's Creek
"Most guys just think you're dumb, but I'm really very literary. I read. I'll sit down and read a whole magazine from cover to cover." - Sex and the City
"be optimistic. all the people you hate now are eventually going to die." - tom green
"If you be sugar, I'll be spice; if you be fire, I'll be ice; if you're cold, I'll make you hot; as long as you give me all you've got"
"Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun."
"This is quickly going from merely nauseating to genuinely disturbing." - Smallville
"You want my opinion? We're all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness- and call it love- true love." - R. Fulghum
"I told him I loved him, it turns out the feelings are mutual . . . he loves himself too."
"Welcome to the wonderful world of not knowing what the hell's going on." - Lost
"Carrie: You know those women marry the Roman Numeral guys. Charlotte: Charles Duffy Anderson the fourth. Carrie: Ding, ding, ding. Samantha: I find the higher the number the worse the sex. I went out with somebody the third, who couldn't even get it up. Miranda: Imagine, how bad Henry the Eighth must have been. Carrie: Yea, you give him head, he cuts yours off." - Sex and the City
"I am Shiva the destroyer, your harbinger of doom this evening." - Rachel Getting Married
"Carrie: Half my music collection was left behind by past boyfriends. Charlotte: I always give that stuff back. Carrie: Oh I don't. I consider it a parting gift. Thanks for playing and here's the latest from Hootie and the Blowfish." - Sex and the City
"Love is hell." - DMB, 'Halloween'
"Downsizing to a smaller office is a transition. Making dresses in your kitchen is Mildred Peers." - Lipstick Jungle
"Angel in your eyes, devil in disguise!"
"Welcome to the age of un-innocence. No one has breakfast at Tiffany's and no one has affairs to remember." - Sex and the City
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'" - Charlie Brown
"Carrie: You know I did the date the bi-sexual guy thing in college, but in the end they all ended up with men. Samantha: So, did the bi-sexual women. Charlotte: Which explains why there are no available men left for us." - Sex and the City
"It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar."
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, 'probably because of something you did.'" - jack handy
"Okay, I think that might be the second stupidest thing you've done in the last 24 hours." - One Tree Hill
"I'm sorry, but I think life is just too short to spend your time working someplace where people don't crap their pants at the mere sight of ya." - Scrubs
"Life is like a box of colored condoms...No matter what color you pick, you're gonna get screwed."
"Me and my girls don't gotta mack it, we just simply sit back and attract it."
"now, come one.. you think your life is bad? girl, you're crazy. you should feel bad for an egg. it only gets laid once."
"I got lost in thought. It was an unfamiliar territory."
"Yo, I'm Casper, give me four! Man, I'd kill for a pinkie." - Casper
"Once again you've managed to boil a complex thought down to its simplest possible form." - Buffy the Vampire Slayer
"It's not like models don't have brains. They have them. They just don't need to use them." - Sex and the City
"Look: This is pointless, angry, shallow sex! Why would you go and ruin something like that? " - Scrubs
"He broke my heart so I broke his jaw."
"You have to laugh at yourself, because if you didn't you'd cry your eyes out."
"If every baby is cute, why are there so many ugly people in this world?"
"Joey: I'm not a quitter. Heston: People love saying that. It's like they saw it in some movie once and they liked the way it sounded." - Dawson's Creek
"Promote wildlife: throw a party."
"Just when you think you've seen it all, life bites you in the ass."
"Charlotte: I'm so confused. Is he gay or is he straight? Carrie: It's not that simple anymore. The real question is; is he a straight gay man, or is he a gay straight man? Samantha: Hopefully, he's a gay straight guy, which means he's straight with a lot of gay qualities. Whereas, a straight gay guy, is just a gay guy who plays sports and won't fuck you." - Sex and the City
"I'm the kind of girl that laughs at a joke three times: Once when its told, once when its explained to me.. and then 5 minutes later when I finally get it."
"I don't have a plan B, it distracts from plan A."
"They say that an old dog, can't learn a new trick, well she taught me to stay the first day and I learned real quick." - Toby Keith, "pull my chain"
"A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good." -Steven Wright
"Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it."
"Everyone I know is having a crisis. I know you're not supposed to get them until midlife but I think something's happening to our metabolism." - the last kiss
"That was right on my list of things to do today, right between picking up my dry cleaning and chopping off my hand." - Everwood
