Humor Quotes ... Page 2
Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
"Friends won't let friend's drive home drunk with an ugly guy."
"If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny." - jack handy
"It's only illegal if you get caught!"
"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them." - jack handy
"Had my dream again where I'm making love, and the Olympic judges are watching. I'd nailed the compulsories, so this is it, the finals. I got a 9.8 from the Canadians, a perfect 10 from the Americans, and my mother, disguised as an East German judge, gave me a 5.6. Must have been the dismount." - when harry met sally
"The fact that you're not answering leads me to believe that (a) You're not home, (b) You're home but you don't want to talk to me, or (c) You're home, desperately want to talk to me, but you're trapped under something heavy. If it's either (a) or (c), please give me a call." - when harry met sally
"The other night, on my grandfather's yacht, Summer attacked me with her lips. And she swore if I told anyone she would kill me. Yeah, she's got an interesting take on romance." - the oc
"Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is Share the love. Beep.' 'Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love." - andy rooney
"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight -- if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'" -Elayne Boosler
"When the sun comes up, I have morals again." - Elayne Boosler
"An alcoholic is anyone you don't like who drinks more than you do." - Dylan Thomas
"It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place." - H.L. Mencken
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I thought I found my knight in shining armor, but it turns out he was just a loser in tin foil."
"There is no normal person. There are just a lot of weird people with many things in common."
"I used to like to play with my Ken and Barbie dolls. Ken was my favorite. Then one Christmas I got them a camper and all they wanted to do was hang out in it by themselves. So I wasn't too upset when they took that wrong turn and went over the cliff." - My Girl
"Life is like a box of colored condoms...No matter what color you pick, you're gonna get screwed."
"I have a black belt...in shopping!"
"You are a few Brady's short of a bunch."
"Don't worry I'm fluent in weirdo."
"If I was 10 times smarter than you, I'd be a moron!"
"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."
"Cry me a river and drown in it!"
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't wanna paint it!"
"I don't believe in the afterlife, but I'm bringing a pair of underwear just in case."
"I don't have a plan B, it distracts from plan A."
"I've tried snorting Coke but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose."
"Don't get high on Life! Snorting cereal hurts!"
"If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic."
"Just when you think you've seen it all, life bites you in the ass."
"Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."
"I have no clue what I'm doing, but I'm determined to get it right."
"Don't interrupt me when I'm talking to myself!"
"Don't walk behind me. It gives me the creeps. Don't walk beside me, for you are not my equal. Walk in front of me, so I can push you down the stairs."
"My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely."
"Tell your boyfriend I said thanks."
"I'm not spoiled... my parents just love me."
"Love is like a tug of war, one jerk after another."
"Although we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they're rather stupid."
"Blondes have it easy -- brunettes don't have an excuse to act stupid."
"Take my advice. I don't use it anyway."
"Three out of four people are crazy. My three best friends are fine, so it must be me."
"I understand that you are handicapped by a natural immaturity, and I forgive you." - Armageddon
"Is there a cure for a broken heart? Only time can heal your broken heart, just as time can heal his broken arms and legs." - Miss Piggy
"It's important to be yourself, unless you're a loser, then its important to try to be like me."
"It's pretty funny how when you're trying to get over someone and then you see him again and it's like you're hit in the face with how gay he is and you just wanna throw up for ever liking him, but you can't take any of that back-all you can do is hope that he is suddenly attacked by a large animal."
"There is a reason god made some people ugly...to give us pretty people something to stand next to to look better." - Bette Midler
"Life was so much easier when boys had cooties."
"Menopause, mental anxiety, menstrual cramps, mental breakdown...ever notice how all our problems begin with men?"
"In a world of Cheerios, be a Fruit Loop!!"