Humor Quotes ... Page 8
Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
"Why is it when we talk to God we are said to be praying, and when God talks to us we are said to be schizophrenic?" - Lily Tomlin
"Do you ever have one of those moments where you realize that the world just snuck up and completely blindsided you? Maybe I'm better suited to a career in the fast-food industry. 'Welcome to Taco Bell. Can I take your order?' See how it just rolls off the tongue?" - Dawson’s creek
"He's a teenage boy. We could take away his penis. He'd still try to have sex." - Desperate Housewives
“You are a dirty little fun-haver.” – failure to launch
“There's a real big gap between getting your ass kicked and having a dancing, singing sprite fool you with trickery and then strike your throat before you even know you're in a fight. But I wouldn't expect someone like you to understand that, because all you do is make moves from up in your ivory tower.” – the break-up
“Do you think there's a chance your mom won't love you anymore when she sees how badly you're getting beaten right now?” – the break-up
“What you gotta do is think real hard and come up with someone who can't be traced to either one of us who can pay a visit to that guy she was with.” – the break-up
“I'll let you in on a little secret. My mom says I'm special on the inside.” – john tucker must die
“You know a lot of people say that college is a time when young men and women expand the way that they look at their world when they open their mind to new ideas and experiences and when they begin that long journey from the innocence of Youth, to the responsibilities of Adulthood... now isn't that a load of horse shit!” – accepted
“Christ... where did you come from and how can I make more of you?” – the last kiss
“Everyone I know is having a crisis. I know you're not supposed to get them until midlife but I think something's happening to our metabolism.” – the last kiss
“The human brain is remarkable. Once a day for nine years, I thought I lost my watch 'cause I can't remember which wrist it's on. ” - Scrubs
“First, you do the head, then you do the finger, then you talk through the nose...and then you give a lot of attitude. That's how it works. But if you're not from there, you don't understand, so I'm not gonna even 'axe' you.” - Scrubs
“Every time I think something, the opposite happens.... I am so not having sex this weekend. ” - Scrubs
“Eh, you marry somebody just like your mother, and then you remember you hate your mother.” - Scrubs
“Listen, you should go ahead and enjoy this while you can Bobby, because if your evil genie actually does grant your wish and I disappear, the only person you'll have left to contend with will be yourself and when you really get to know that person...oh dear God you'll scream so loud that Satan will wanna rip up the contract you signed at birth just to get some sleep.” - Scrubs
“I heard the sad sigh, I see your shoulders are slumped, and I'm aware that you have some whiny-ass problem that you want to talk to me about because you probably think it'd be cathartic to get it the hell off your chest but believe me it won't be. What you've got to do, for me, is the healthy thing. Keep all of your feelings bottled up inside where they so belong! ” - Scrubs
“That's just the lamest smack-talk I've ever heard in my life.” - Scrubs
“Oh and sassy too. If you could cook a steak, I'd eat it right off your bottom. ” - Scrubs
“You know, Freud said that ninety percent of all human behavior is motivated by sexual impulses? But, come on. You know, give me some credit. I'd say at least thirty percent of my behavior is motivated by advertising, and the rest by violence in film! ” - Scrubs
“I don't like much freedom down there. It makes me tingle in my giblets. ” - Scrubs
“Look: This is pointless, angry, shallow sex! Why would you go and ruin something like that? ” - Scrubs
“Look, I wanna be like you... but a more successful you. There's nothing wrong with playing the game once in a while. Tell you what: Ten years from now, when I'm your boss, I'll go ahead and throw in a good word for you and you won't even have to ask... sir. ” - Scrubs
“Look who peeked in his shorts and found a pair.” - Scrubs
“Oh, yeah, the word you're looking for is ‘Wow.’ And the words I'm looking for are ‘In your face.’ ” - Scrubs
“It's funny. Every time I think you're the same old sharp-edged jack-ass, you turn around and do something to remind me that you're such a pansy. ” - Scrubs
“I'll tell you what, if you look me in the eyes and you tell me that you're really ready to start something right now... we won't even need a cab - I will, like, I will throw you over my shoulder and just sprint the twelve miles to your house! ” - Scrubs
“If I'm not back in twenty minutes, I don't want you to worry because it simply means I drove by a prostitute on the way home.” - Scrubs
“There are a lot of ways to grieve... but, last time I checked, wheelbarrow-style wasn't one of them.” - Scrubs
“People are particularly stupid today. I can't talk to any more of them.” – Gilmore Girls
“I'm smiling because you're crazy and that's what you do to crazy people to keep them calm.” – Gilmore Girls
“Are the lids tight on the paint thinner because you're sounding a little loopy to me.” – Gilmore Girls
“Okay, I think we just found the first room in the history of the world that would've made Liberace say, ‘Whoa! Step back! No one's that gay.’ ” – Gilmore Girls
“just remember, it’s really wrong to gossip, unless it’s true or just way too good not to tell everyone you see, whether you know them or not. ” – Gilmore Girls
“Go get him, there he is. If you think that’s the great love of your life, then great ... grab a liver treat and a squeaky toy and run to him. ” – Gilmore Girls
“I’d rather have bird crap fall on my head.” – Gilmore Girls
“I look adorable! No one ever told me that if you fish, you get to buy an outfit. I'll do just about anything if I can buy an outfit! ” – Gilmore Girls
“Prue: Don't you think you're overreacting? We are perfectly safe here! Piper: Don't say that! In horror movies the person who says that is always the next to die!” - charmed
“Actually my problem is, is that you're just killing my buzz!” - charmed
“The woman is a love machine, if she gives up on men something is very, very wrong.” - charmed
“Okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to kiss you twice... and then linger a long time on the second kiss.” – the holiday
“You know what? You said you were crazy. And you know what? News flash, you are.” - Everwood
“I find it best when dealing with any unfamiliar bully to strike early with sarcasm. It makes them wonder whether I have some secret butt-kicking prowess they're unable to detect.” - Everwood
“That was right on my list of things to do today, right between picking up my dry cleaning and chopping off my hand.” - Everwood
"So you know what I was thinking...If there's all these college guys who are like totally hitting on high school girls, then there's probably a whole surplus of neglected college girls who want to hit on high school guys." - Everwood
"of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most" - ozzy osbourne