Humor Quotes ... Page 5

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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

"A guy drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank him."

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." -George Carlin

"The statistic on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." -Rita Mae Brown

"God made men first, and then he had a better idea."

"I'm not a ditz, I just lack common sense."

"Kisses spread germs and germs are hated so kiss me baby! I'm vaccinated!"

"'I never meant to hurt you, but you're sexy when you cry.' 'I really did love you... hehe… aren't I cute when I lie?'"

"He broke my heart so I broke his jaw."

"A girl only needs four animals in her life. A Jaguar in the garage, A Mink on her back, A Tiger in bed and a Jackass to pay for all of it."

"I'm trying to imagine you with a personality."

"I thought I wanted a career but it turns out I just wanted paychecks."

"I still miss my ex but my aim's improving."

"I didn't lie. I altered the truth to fit my mood."

"I ran into my ex the other day then I put my car in reverse and hit him again."

"Quit looking for prince charming... I already have him."

"Why is it that guys always want to be 'friends,' yet they fail to realize that 'friends' talk?" - Courtney

"Screw Twizzlers! I'll make your mouth happy!"

"Screw Snapple, I'm the best stuff on earth!"

"Remember when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the idiot upside the head!"

"Shopping is better than sex. If you're not satisfied after shopping, you can make an exchange for something you really like!"

"Virginity is like a balloon, one little prick and it's all gone."

"Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy." - Nora Ephron

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend, so here's the leash, water bowl, and chew toy."

"I'm good at multitasking... I can screw up several things at once!"

"I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved."

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full experience of alphabet soup?"

"Some people say 'shoot' instead of 'shit.' They can't fool me, man. 'Shoot' is 'shit' with two O's." - George Carlin

"I know that somewhere inside of me there is a sober girl trying to get out .... a 6 pack usually shuts her up."

"A man always has two reasons for what he does: a good one and the real one."

"When I turn 21, I'll be legally able to do all the things I've been doing since age 13."

"He said, 'Don't let the future destroy your past.' I said, 'Don't let the door hit your ass!'"

"Of course we can still be friends, just don't call me."

"I don't do drugs, because my idea of fun is not sitting in a corner analyzing string."

"While waiting for the right guy to come along, I'm having lots of fun with the wrong ones!"

"If I had the choice I wouldn't ride the horse, I'd ride the cowboy."

"I said it before and I'll say it again: sluts heal faster." - The Golden Girls

"I prefer to describe my profession as that of a contemporary anthropological interactive observer, because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides 'stalker' is such an ugly word ... and its not stalking unless you hide."

"I pity him because I get to walk away and be me, and he has to stay him ya know? And who wants to be him when you could be me?" - Sex and the City

"Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your 'cancer' and your 'emphysema' and your 'heart disease.' The bottom line is, smoking is cool and you know it." - Friends

"Prince Charming probably would have turned out to be a dick anyways."

"This is where, if I had a dick, I'd tell you to suck it." - Lake PI

"You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more water out of the pool."

"I tried to see things from your point of view, but I couldn't shove my head that far up my ass."

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia."

"I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in."

"I bet people can actually die of embarrassment. I bet it's been medically proven." - My So-Called Life

"My parents keep asking how school was. It's like saying, 'How was that drive-by shooting?' You don't care how it was, you're lucky to get out alive." - My So Called Life

"You can tell a man 'I hate you,' and you'll have the best sex of your life, but tell him, 'I love you' and you'll probably never see him again." - Sex and the City

"I will not be the first one to speak. And if he never calls me again, I'll always think of him fondly. As an asshole." - sex & the city